Scare Quote Crab Melts

One of my favourite guilty pleasures is fake crab or “krab” or “crab delight” (probably my favourite euphemism for it because it sounds a bit smutty) or “surimi” (sounds fancy now, doesn’t it?) – fish-flavoured fish. It’s basically the hot dogs of the fish world and bad for you and so, so delicious, just like hot dogs. See where the scare quotes come from?

For lots of things, like stuffed mushrooms, crab and cheese-stuffed pastries, and more, I like the real deal crab meat, but for other applications, like “crab” melts, only the real, fake deal will do.

One day, I will have an over-the-top-kitschy greasy spoon-style restaurant and these will totally be on the menu as “scare quote crab melts”.

The following recipe makes about six really loaded crab melts and goes together in about twenty minutes, but I strongly suggest, indeed, feel passionate about putting it together a few hours earlier so the flavours can learn to get along.

What you need:

• 400g “crab delight” or is it krab “delight”? – this is what’s so fun about ridiculous foods – broken up into pieces of a size that will please your palate
• 1/3 cup fresh parsley, finely chopped
• 3 stalks of celery, thinly sliced
• 4-5 green onions, thinly sliced
• 1/3 cup of mayonnaise
• 2 tbsp. lemon juice
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 tsp. ground coriander
• 1 pinch of nutmeg
• pepper to taste
• 3, 4″ rolls (I used my lazy lady buns recipe, which have floof and give that work well for this recipe, but so many other types will work)
• Marble cheese to melt on top

What you do:

1. Mix together all ingredients, but the buns and cheese.
2. Cut rolls in half, place on a baking sheet and broil until toasted.
3. Preheat oven to 425.
4. Evenly distribute the salad over the toasted buns. 
5. Cover each salad-laden bun with cheese.
6. Bake until the cheese is bubbly – typically, 7-10 minutes.
7. Remove from oven and let rest for a couple of minutes.
8. Manger!

You can vary this recipe in so many ways, too. Use your imagination and switch it up! Sometimes, I like to add curry powder/paste, or go with stuff like dill or basil and finely chopped red peppers. Sometimes I add horseradish or mustard. Whatever is seasonally available is always a temptation, and I ain’t even gonna be mad if you use real crab meat or forego the melt part and eat it as a sandwich. I highly recommend not using tomatoes in the salad itself (they can add a lot of unwanted moisture) but putting them on the sandwiches is grand. So is arugula…and spinach…and sliced red onion. Go wild and enjoy!